Murder Your Way

Time Cheetah's looking pretty screwed right about now... but fear not, he's got an ace up his sleeve!

My brother and I purchased the newest Hitman video game (creatively titled Hitman for maximum confusion), where you control a bald James Bond with a knack for disguises and a love of creative assassination. The game's got some ridiculously large levels, and in the span of a few hours I managed to discover some pretty creative slaughter options:

--You can dress up as a fashion model that's friends with one of the murder targets. But if you do, you gotta walk down the runway and strut your stuff before you can go drown someone in a toilet. Work it.

--You can set off a fireworks display that attracts two targets to look at it, and then drop one from a balcony so they fall on top of the other. Double kill, as they say.

–You can bribe a local mime, take his place, and ride a unicycle rigged with explosives right into a super secret auction and blow up every rich evil asshole in there. Pros: super cathartic. Cons: you have to pretend to be a mime. The abyss stares also.

I swear only one of those scenarios is made up. And I'll be honest, it's not unlikely I just haven't found the mime and his unicycle in this particular level. These places are huge, with different level design and murder scenarios that make me wish there were so many more of them. My suggestions for new levels:

–The headquarters of a fast food corporation where you have to execute the CEO, but you can only kill people with hamburgers, but thankfully they do a lot of hamburger R&D in this building, so you can equip all sorts of different kinds of murder-burgers (murder your way).

–In a museum, but the museum is actually a diorama inside a bigger museum. And that museum? You guessed it: a creationist museum. So you murder your target with a tiny fossil.

–At a petting zoo, but the only disguises are animal ones. So you have to pretend to be a goat if you want to get close to the corrupt Russian oligarch. But it'll be totally worth it.

–The inside of someone's brain, like that movie Inside Out. Or the Cell. Depends how much J-Lo you want in your level.

Review score: 10+/A.5/Game of Thrones of The Year. Play it.